My Baby Girl

I am now over half way through this pregnancy and everyone, well most everyone, is eagerly awaiting a new baby girl. Still not sure how the 3 year old is going to do with it, when I say anything about a baby sister the only response I get is, "NO baby sister."

I have always been scared of having daughters. I have 5 brothers and feel much more confident in my ability to raise a boy. But the fear that I expected to envelope me hasn't since learning this ball of joy will be a girl. Trust me, I am not complaining, instead I have spent a lot of time thinking about it all and asking myself why. 

First and foremost I have had the wonderful opportunity of being blessed with 2 wonderful step-daughters. They have been a confidence booster for me, but with them I do not have to take on the full responsibility as a mom. At the same time this new little one may never have her hair done, all of my hair battling days are being drained from my very being already.

When this baby joins our family I will be close to 37 years old, which may not sound too old to a few of you but understand I am writing to you from a place where most of my friends have teenagers and were done having babies 5+ years ago. My husband and I joke that we will be as old as other  kids' grandparents when ours graduate from high school. As I think through that age difference all I can say is that I am so grateful that my children are coming to me when they are.

I have spent these extras years finding the balance I needed in my life. I went through the craziness where exercise and calories ruled my life, it wasn't fun and I wasn't happy. Now my health is what is important instead of a number on a scale or any other arbitrary way I would use to decide if it was going to be a good day.

I have spent these extra years finding peace within my soul and becoming an all round better me. I needed to focus more on what was within and not what I saw in the mirror or what I worried others saw when they looked at me. I give my husband a lot of credit here, he has helped me find that peace and learn what true beauty is all about.

I have let go of so many of my insecurities over the last few years that I no longer fear having a daughter like I once did. I am no longer positive that I will completely screw up a girl. Don't get me wrong, I know there will be challenges but I feel much more adept at facing those challenges today.